2004-12-01 - 3:38 a.m.
I realized today that it is logical that homophobic men will make homo-erotic jokes with each other- it is a way to express male love when their investment in masculinity prevents other methods of expression (loving hugs, arms across shoulders, other routine forms of touching, verbal expression of genuine feeling)
--
my tiny role in the lives of two people have probably ended-
The SLS client doesn't care what statutes bar him from sealing his criminal record. Why would he? He needs housing. Law is not something he learns in a classroom, it is a cruel tool to keep him from subsidized housing, in a cruel society that lets some people sleep in a shelter, or on the street so that others may enjoy luxury.
I got some information and referrals for E____ whose boyfriend is in immigration trouble, because we live in a cruel world where borders allow capital to flow freely and enslave people to it, while reducing workers' power thus reducing their wages (among other things).
It's so depressing and infuriating.
"There are no illegal immigrants, only illegal governments."
It cannot be arbitrary that the nation-state developed, historical processes cannot be so indeterminate. It must be an inevitability. And the trajectory of the next stages of the world-system must also be inevitable, at least its general framework.
Sometimes it's confusing whether short-term strategies and long-term goals connect. Does helping lots of immigrants stay in the United States further the long term goal of abolishing the nation-state and their borders?
--
I glanced over some older entries. At one point I remarked that upon meeting old friends, there was a need for them to recognize how I had changed. I asked in this journal if this would be permanent. It is not. At some point, I am satisfied they see me as I am and do not 'misrecognize' me. This is necessary to 'be as I am' while with them.
--
What does it mean to dissolve the division between the public sphere and the private sphere?
People work primarily because they have to. What do they do in their free time? Things they enjoy. What do you enjoy? Things that are meaningful in some way, that bring happiness and rewards of some kind.
Time is ultimately the biggest constraint of our choices. How does someone spend their time?
What is guilt? Guilt is your conscience calling you to your true humanity.
If your best friend is in trouble, is it work to help them? Does it require a guilty conscience? No because you love them, maybe as much as yourself.
If you choose to spend your time watching TV rather than helping a friend, do you feel guilt?
If you choose to watch TV rather than help people put in jail for no reason, do you feel guilt (when you know you can go to a meeting to help these people while your watching)? Should there be a discrepancy in the level of guilt just because you don't know these people?
Many people are unlucky. Their work sphere has its own rewards, but what is truly meaningful to them occurs in the non-work sphere; relationships, expression, reflection, struggle for justice.
But if we purge ourselves of the weaknesses we've learned (materialism, consumerism, luxury), we can choose to live meaningfully at all times, in a way that is true to our humanity.
To live as human beings; the goal of communism and anarchism.
Of course, I cannot let go of what makes my life comfortable beyond a certain degree. I love my laptop, my books, my digital camera, my documentaries, being able to travel, etc. And I depend on my cell phone.
But I can refuse to allow law school debt to constrain how I will live after graduation, especially in terms of what I do for "work."
I want to dissolve the division between what is public and private, what is work and what is free time; I want to live as a full human being; where ethics is not a sidenote; where there is no bracketed time when I work for justice, but justice is the embodiment of the core of living. I don't want to be free of guilt- guilt is a revolutionary sentiment. I cannot divide parts of my soul to accomodate divisions of my time. I strive to just live truly, given the circumstances of society.
I need to live truly, without apprehension. When I do meaningful work, it is not work. It is an expression of love, the truest expression of human nature.
I can live a life where work is not work. In that, I am truly lucky and privileged.
Personal transformation is totalizing. Politics is no longer politics- something that is bracketed. It is only a convenient label; a description of objective processes and a dimension of the subjective soul.
Social justice is not just social justice. It is a label that signifies how we relate to each other, how we relate to material conditions, how we relate to ourselves (i.e. how we view/analyze/engage/transform each other, material condition (i.e. the world), and ourselves).
I have once again reached a point where I choose to live truly and without fear, and it was only possible because of involvement with the National Lawyer's Guild. Law school was weakening my humanity. We always need a forum to relate, a tangible movement around us, other people to reassure us our vision is possible, even if their vision is only approximately like ours.
--
the library
is full
of tense silence
silently I shout
"these exams
are meaningless!"
moments
can be days
and vice versa
every day
is the last day
for someone
my heaphones say
"all my daydreams
are disasters"
