2004-12-15 - 2:51 a.m.
in the middle of exams still
--
i fear i may be solipsistic- when i talk about identity, i can only think to go as far back as my gramsci-inspired phase of understanding identity
"The starting-point of critical elaboration is the consciousness of what one really is, and is ‘knowing thyself’ as a product of historical processes to date, which has deposited in you an infinity of traces, without leaving an inventory…therefore it is necessary at the outset to compile such an inventory"
this was sort of my edward said phase as well (not a phase as in something i left behind, but phase as in a layer that i incorporated into myself) and it only completely crystallized maybe 2 or 3 years ago-
it's like i've forgotten how i saw things before then!!
jeez- when the fuck did i start writing and talking like this! it is so convoluted and opaque to the majority of people in this world! fuck!
i've tried to recover the narrative i used to use- that our ethnic identity is reflected back to us as a stigmatized difference, continuously, from the first time a young classmate slants their eyes until Wen Ho Lee is charged as a spy, prompting the 80-20 coalition to simultaneously demand his release and starting flying american flags in chinatown-
at some point, you realize that you experience things differently as a group- and since race is deeply rooted in this society, you realize you experience things differently than white people (though it doesn't have to trump other forms of shared experience)
one thing malcolm x boldly said was that black civil rights sentiments still sought the approval of whites- does anyone else feel this still? i imagine that most immigrants after 9/11 feared challenges to their patriotism- we know, intuitively, that it will happen, because it always has- when i first heard about wen ho lee, my first feeling was that of shame- i was comforted by news stories about patriotic chinese americans- when he began to be vindicated, i looked up every article on wen ho lee i could possibly find- it was during this period that i knew something was wrong, and the beginning of racial consciousness began- i had been interested in the left before then, but not about race or ethnicity
the narrative of transformation beginning with the feeling of shame at first learning about wen ho lee was one i would tell around the time i told the narrative about continuous stigmatization and its effects on identity
but even now, i sometimes feel a disgusting yet uncontrollable "comfort" when there are news articles that cater to Power- whether it's signs of China's modernization (see, we have TVs too!), or patriotic chinese americans joining the war machine or whatever- it is a subtle feeling, but easy to spot when you are attuned to it- but it disappears as quickly as it appears and it's hard to remember other examples- but i feel it across a spectrum of issues- it's been happening a lot recently when i see news stories about iraqis- it is a response to the fear that propaganda about Iraqis has created (they are violent, undemocratic, etc.) (and when we hear an iraqi revolutionary speak, we have an impulsive fear to join him, becase we know that Power doesn't approve- we have learned how Power retaliates- this is why a Movement is necessary, to dispel that fear)
that malcolm x saw this so clearly and intuitively is one of many reasons why he was such a genius-
transformation is, of course, personal- i can tell my parents i care about immigration because i care about social justice- it's a whole different level if i tell them that i care about immigration and then remind them we've been fucked with for being immigrants- that's something they understand at a very deep level-
it is certainly a privilege to look at poverty as something to transform- for my parents (and me to a much lesser extent becase i was young and naive), it was something to escape from-
so again, of course transformation is personal- that is why so much of the initial phase of transformation of activists is rooted in the personal, why so many (historic) Asian American Movement people began through explorations of identity- one aspect of "identity:" it is a collection of all the ways that we relate to oppression and justice most deeply-
thus the appeal of asian american spoken word- it gets right to the point- yes, we've been fucked with- all our lives- but then the crucial question- how do we respond?
it is easy to disassociate pride in heritage from racism- luckily, asian american spoken word does not do this- it derives its visceral impact from personalizing what pride means and confronts the racism (potentially a nexus for all forms of oppression any given individual suffers) which prevents it-
but pride can also be _disassociated_ from various aspects of oppression at will- e.g. class, dehumanization, patriarchy, solidarity, EVEN SOCIAL JUSTICE in the way that me and my life-partners/comrades understand it-
AzN PrYdE etc. i.e. nationalism can exist in any form- fascism is also nationalist-
so we have perverse forms of asian american nationalism- pride that is rooted in consumerism and materialism- pride inflected by upward mobility- pride that GETS ITS DEFINITION FROM WHITE SUPREMACIST CAPITALISM (we work hard, aren't vocal, and that's why we get ahead in society)- pride that is decidedly ruling class (API students whose pride is offended by racist images on clothing but care nothing for the young, female, asian sweatshop workers who create them)- this is how asian american sororities/fraternies co-opt asian american spoken word and heighten its dynamics of celebrity-ness, a characteristic of social movements that is inherently reactionary (see Glenn Omatsu "reduce yourself to zero" see also "serve the people")
how is it possible, given that asian american spoken word does not promote any of these forms of nationalism, that many who listen to spoken word can co-opt the pride and not the potential for these further implications? only by emptying cultural formations from their meaning (and in the case of cultural formations that grow alongside a movement, severing them form their very origins) (examples: che guevara at urban outfitters, jocks that listen to RATM)-
but there is something else here- to listen to asian american spoken word for the first time in a room of dozens or hundreds of other asian americans is a profound experience- profound in that you have a deeper appreciation of what oppression means and thus what empathy means- because you realize its collective implications- you have a space to embrace the parts of you that usually have to be repressed- the sadness and rage
something similar occurs when you sit in a room with 100+ immigrant workers, some of whom have little formal education, many of whom are undocumented, and listen to them talk about the war in iraq, how it's connected to the assault on their communities- and to see them speak to the oppression in their workplaces and elsewhere in their lives- and to organize to change their conditions-
in both instances, it is a deepening of one's humanity- this, i feel, is the crucial aspect of personal transformation in social justice work- deepening of one's humanity, being more human, and all its attendant results of greater empathy, collectivism, solidarity, struggle, expression...we can call it living truly, or striving to be fully human, or being revolutionary- this makes me think the reason asian american spoken word is so moving is not only that it specifically relates to us, but that it can catalyze this larger personal transformation
praxis should be situated in this framework
so, back to malcolm x and a final thought on my place in law school- malcolm x, when he was in middle school, said he wanted to be a lawyer- the teacher told him negroes can't be lawyers- this affected him deeply-
more and more i realize why malcolm x railed against the house negro so much- in law school, you occassionally meet people who have been marginalized- working class, immigrant, people of color, etc.- and the ones at BU all want to join a corporate firm-
even as we have been fucked with all our lives, even as our people continue to be fucked with- uncle toms not only seek the approval of the oppressor, THEY WANT TO BE THE OPPRESSOR
and so law school is really a choice- i don't want to be in debt forever, but wouldn't i just be escaping debt the way an class-traitor escapes poverty? and is that better or worse than finding some way to pay off the debt that isn't tooooo oppressive, tooooo compromising in my principles (really a failure of one's humanity, in some way)
it is not some heroic choice, it's just a choice that has to be made
I WISH MY LIFE PARTNERS/COMRADES WERE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!
