2005-02-12 - 10:54 p.m.
from the newest issue of "spare change," the homeless paper in boston- from an autobiographical serial-
"I felt shameful for misleading Leon. He just did not understand. Alcoholics are great liars. They can look at the almighty and rationalize their guilt away from any situation, and go on with an almighty attitude that everything is okay, and the way it ought to be. If he could only understand that I was going to the VA because I needed to be around people. I wasn't strong enough to be alone and make friends from my old toy - sobriety. Rehabilitation mean, to me, other people; the room at the Y meant other people. The shelter meant other people. I drank from the fear of being alone, and to deal with the ugliness of other people, and to keep from getting sick from drinking. The maze of intricacies, an alcoholic went through, from depression, aloneness, sickness, rationalizations, could only be understood by the brightest doctors; it embodied the entire gamut of emotions and character complexities from its etymology to its childlike innocence. I was not ready to face the loneliness of a dilapidated motel room immediately after my discharge. I needed a sober environment in which to live while waiting for John Devine to get in touch with me. Sometimes a person did ahve to take a backward step to remember what being a drunk was all about."
